Roblox announced the introduction of new age-based accounts for young users that allow for greater parental controls, preventing players under 16 from fully accessing the chat function. What do you think?

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Over 1,000 major Hollywood power players such as Ben Stiller, J.J. Abrams, Jane Fonda, and Sopranos creator David Chase signed an open letter opposing Paramount’s proposed merger with Warner Bros., claiming it will result in “fewer opportunities for creators, fewer jobs across the production ecosystem, higher costs, and less choice for audiences.” What do you […]

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CHICAGO—Concluding that the costs of keeping such a device in the bedroom far exceeded the benefits, a study released Monday by the University of Chicago’s sleep lab found a strong link between poor sleep and the presence of a gong. “Our research consistently revealed that one of the best predictors of a sleepless night was having […]

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DULUTH, MN—Overjoyed to have a full house for the first time since everyone went off to college, local mother Leslie Daniels confirmed Thursday it was a dream come true to have all her children back home, a reunion made possible only by the merciless and punishing economic conditions that have stripped an entire generation of […]

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NEW YORK—Calling the move the logical next phase in the league’s continuing expansion into new markets, the NFL announced Monday that, beginning next season, it would begin staging several games across various epochs of history. “We’ve seen tremendous growth from bringing the game to destinations like London, Berlin, and Mexico City, and now we’re planning on […]

The post NFL Announces Multiple Games Next Season To Be Played Across Ancient History appeared first on The Onion .

Room and board provided, but you will need to earn your keep. Your quarters are the garret, where you will sleep in silence beside the groundskeeper. One stick of firewood allotted on Christmas Day, if you have proven satisfactory. Reference #520739

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Tanya Brown, 46, died Wednesday when she was unable to prevent her driverless vehicle from dragging her through a slaughterhouse.

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VILLENA, SPAIN—Shrugging off the notion that it required any special talent or discipline to become the youngest player in history to complete the career Grand Slam, 22-year-old tennis superstar Carlos Alcaraz credited his massive success in the sport Tuesday to the fact that tennis is the easiest game in the world. “All you need to […]

The post Carlos Alcaraz Credits Success To Tennis Being Easiest Game In The World appeared first on The Onion .

As the first supreme pontiff from the United States, Pope Leo XIV has balanced anti-war and climate advocacy with tending to the diverse spiritual needs of the Catholic Church’s 1.4 billion followers. The Onion sat down with the bishop of Rome so he could lay out his vision for the church in the 21st century. […]

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SILVER SPRING, MD—Revealing plans to lift all unnecessary regulations surrounding the use of lab-developed amino acid chains, the Food and Drug Administration announced Tuesday that it had loosened restrictions on dousing children with synthetic peptides until something happens. “If you dunk your kids in enough artificial peptides, something cool will eventually take place,” said agency […]

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